The Holy One Ring in a Grail of Really Bad Eggs
by Mistress Claudia
Summary: This is a POTC, LOTR, Monty Python and the Holy Grail Crossover. Skit on destroying the One RING. Not recommended for Orlando Bloom fans. Please R & R.
1. Part 1

**The Holy One Ring In a Grail Of Really Bad Eggs**

Dislcaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Carribean, Monty Python, or the Lord of the Rings.

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Part 1: The New Ring Bearer

**Arwen: I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned 'wilith.** (**The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air.**)

**Elrond**: Ello! I'm Elrond, kings of the elves, and all of Rivendell. Our story starts here, at the home of the elves, where representatives of all races in Middle Earth have come to decide who will carry the one ring of power. Just to let you in on a little secret, a news flash not to long ago... Frodo Baggins' body was found dead on a river bank near Mirkwood, due to his falling off a cliff and being swallowed up by icy waters below, oh, and Gimli with him... Now let's take a closer look, and find out what is being decided at our little meeting, eh?

**Aragorn**: Frodo is gone... Yet we still remain, WE MUST DETSROY THE RING!

(Pippin is crying, while Merry tries in vain to shut him up.)

**Aragorn**: That's enough Pippin! Face the facts, Frodo, our ring bearer, is gone... Who will carry the ring?

(Pippin is still crying a river.)

**Merry**: Pippin, stop it... everyone is staring.

**Pippin**: I can't help it! I can't believe Frodo slipped and felll, and poor Gimli. (Sob)

**Merry**: Just shut up, Pippin1

(Everyone looks questioning at one another in search of the new ring bearer. Then, they turn to Legolas.)

**Legolas**: What ?

(Everyone starts to nod.)

**Legolas**: No! I'm not doing it!

**Aragorn**: All in favor of Legolas carrying the ring, say AYE!

**Everyone**: AYE!

**Legolas**: But...I think Elrond should do it. Err... no wait, he's cameraman he, he. Or, or, Aragorn...He is a King after all, or at least he's going to be... It should be Aragorn!

**Aragorn**: What? So what if I'm going to be...I had promised the previous ring bearer that I would protect him. Not carry the ring for him.

**Elrond**: And a mighty fine job you did protecting him, he's dead!

**Aragorn**: Well, I can't change the past, but I'm willing to improve the future...May you rest in peace, dear Frodo... A promise is a promise, so you must do this Legolas...

**Legolas**: Why me?

**Arwen**: Because we voted. I must admit it, it was very democrative.

**Aragorn**: It's settled then!

(Everyone cheers)

**Aragorn**: Let's get the supplies and pack our things. Everyone, tomorrow at dawn, we leave for Mount Doom.

**Legolas**: (mumbling)Why me?

**Everyone**: 'Cause we said so! Good night!

(Pippin-still crying)

**Merry**; Stop it already, stop your whimpering!

**Pippin**: Merry... I miss the Shire...(sniff)

**Merry**:I do too Pippin, I do too...

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Author's Note: This script was created by a cast of people that represent one or two of the characters. We each took on the role of creating one or two sections of this script. I hope that you all injoy this a lot. Please R&R 


	2. Part 2

**Part 2- The Journey begins**

(Pippin begins to sing)

Pippin: Home is left behind the world ahead

And there are many paths to tread

Through shadow, through the edge of night

Until the stars are all a light

Mist and shadow, cloud and shade

All shall fade, all shall fade

Merry: Let's go Pippin, you sing horribly any way!

Pippin: All right then, let's meet up with everyone. (whisper) Better then you at least...

Merry: I heard that!

(Merry and Pippin finally catch up with the group, everyone is waiting for them)

Arwen: What took you two so long?

Merry: I was stuck listening to Pippin's singing again. (Turns to Pippin) I'm getting tired of that song. If you just have the urge to sing, sing sometin' else, and do it when no one's around...

Pippin: Fine, can we go now?

Aragorn: Yes, we can go.

Legolas: Do I have to carry the ring?

Everyone: Yes!

Legolas: Fine...

Elrond (Narrating): Soon after packing, we left for Mount Doom. We traveled for what had seemed to be months, but were actually, only a few days. Actually not a few days, err, no, I think I have that wrong, maybe just a day or maybe even just a few hours...But eventually, three, counted them, three days had passed by...

(Everyone is asleep)

Aragorn: I am getting tired of leading. Maybe I should just go back to Gondor and be king. There I would be of more use, there I could lead Gondor's army and defeat Saruman's orcs...which could buy you all time, and destroy the ring...

(Aragorn leaves, while Arwen slowly trails behind him)

Arwen: Manke naa lle autien?

Aragorn: Gonder.

Elrond: Soon, night became day and all began to rise from their restful sleep.

Pippin: (yawn) Where's Aragorn? Eck, what's this paper I have stuck to my back?!?

Elrond: Give that too me! Those are the bills from the usage of materials used for this very play you buffoon!

Pippin: Ohhh, ok. Then what's this? It's a letter...from Aragorn...It's a letter from Aragorn! Everyone wake up! Aragorn's left us sometin'...

(Everyone gathers to read the message)

Elrond: It had turned out that Aragorn had already been on his way to Gondor. He was already half way there, but who is going to lead the rest of the group now, because of his absence?... Since Aragon had not decided to come back to lead, the group went off heading north and south, turning east and west... having no idea on how to get to Mount Doom. Three more days pass...

Legolas: The red sun rises, blood had been spilt this night.

(The group walks into a ruin)

Pippin and Merry: What happened here?!? And is that smell!?! (They pinch their noses)

(Clouds cover the area and lightning begins to flash over head)

???: Everyone stay calm! I'm taking over this ship!

Pippin: what ship?

???: Ha, ship? Did I say ship? I meant scene, yes that's what I meant.

Gandalf: (blink, blink)

Merry: Who do you think you are?

???: I don't think who I am, I KNOW who I am... I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! Savvy?

Elizabeth: Jack Sparrow! Do you think it is really that wise?

Jack: It's "Captain" Jack Sparrow, luv! And yes I do...

Pippin: (Whispers to Merry) This fella's weird.

Jack: I heard that! Do ye want to walk the plank that badly?

Merry and Legolas: What plank?

Pippin and Elizabeth: Yeah, what plank?

Jack: Oh ho, ye forget what I said savvy? Never ye mind your little heads. What are all you's doing in pirate territory anyway?

Elrond: Everyone explains what had happened over the last eight, er, six days. Then Jack Sparrow...(Jack: It's "Captain"!, "CAPTAIN" JACK SPARROW!!!) Yes, well, as I was saying, "Captain" Jack Sparrow, decided to help us on our little er, big, gigantic, and enormous (everyone: Get on with it already!!!!) he decided to help us on our quest to destroy the ring...happy? (Everyone: yes...)

(Jack leads them to Enedwaith to rest...while Legolas explores the area with Elizabeth)

Legolas: I never wanted to carry this ring...its such a burden! It's not fair!

(Gandalf watches and smiles to himself)

Elizabeth: I bet it wasn't. Deciding you the right when it wasn't your will, I understand perfectly.

(Some strange noise in the bushes interrupts the conversation)

Elizabeth: What was that?

(A strange creature jumps at Legolas but misses him.)

Gollum: They have taken it from usss. Yesss, my preciouss, we will gets it back.

Elizabeth: What is that thing?

Legolas: No time! Hurry, run back to Enedwaith with the others, I will be right behind you, now run!

(They both make it back to the group)

Pippin: what happened to you two?!?

Elizabeth: We ran into a weird, and rather rude creature. He's after something he called his precious, master Pippin.

Elrond: Elizabeth and Legolas explain what had happened, and Jack decides to keep and eye out for the creature.


	3. Part 3

**Part 3- The Witch King**

(Flashback scene of Gollum finding the ring / Back to the present-Pippin is singing the song: "Freckles"; he finishes the song and then everyone packs up and leaves for Mordor, soon after he finds a map that Aragorn had placed in one of the supply bags which he hands to Merry for safe keeping.)

Elrond: After 3 hours of walking the party rests. Elizabeth and Legolas talk, Jack is admiring his sword and hat, and Merry leaves momentarily to get water from a nearby stream.

Jack: I'll go ahead and find us an easy path to travel. I may not know you all fully just yet, but I know you all well enough to say that you all need to stay put and try not to do anything stupid. (Turns to Elizabeth) You're comin' too love, here, wear this! (Throws her a hat)

Elizabeth: It's Miss Swann to you, and why should I? It's filthy!

Jack: You'll see poppet...

(The sky is gray out again by the clouds and thunder is heard. They both leave and come to a path guarded by a black knight)

Jack: Good day? Could you kindly move aside, we're in need to get through.

King: Thou shall not pass...

Jack: Please move... I don't want to have to use this... (flashes his sword)

King: I move for no man.

Elizabeth: (Hits Jack with hat) I am no man!!! (Grabs Jack's sword, and then she and the knight begin to fight.)

(Elizabeth cuts off the right arm of the Knight)

King: Tis a scratch!

(Elizabeth cuts off the other arm)

King: Tis a flesh wound.

Elizabeth: But I cut both of your arms off. You cannot even hold a sword...

King: Oh well! (Starts to charge at her) Ahhhhh!!!! (He kicks her)

(Elizabeth cuts off his left leg, then prays to God for forgiveness. She gets up and the Knight hops around her on one leg.)

Elizabeth: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?!?

King: I am invincible!

(Elizabeth cuts the other leg off, and walks back to Jack and gives him back his sword.)

King: Come back here! I'll bite your legs off. Ye yellowed bellied coward!

(Elizabeth walks back and pushes him out of the scene.)

Elizabeth: Let's go back to the others now, Captain Sparrow.

Jack: There's no living with her after this.

King: Come back here! Fine we'll call it a draw.

Elizabeth: Shut up!!

Jack: I would listen to the lady if I were you. Which I'm very glad I'm not at this moment. (Picks up his hat and brushes dirt off from his tunic, puts his hat on and follows Elizabeth back to camp.)

Back at Camp-

Merry: What took you so long?

Elizabeth: We were clearing away some obstacles from the path we'll be taking.

Merry: Oh... well done then. Your both just in time for supper!

Jack: Sounds good, I need a hearty meal!

Elizabeth: Yes, I believe I'm quite starved myself...

(Grandalf nods twice)

(They sit down to eat for awhile)

Jack: Shall we move on?

Legolas: Ok... I do want to get this over with...

Elrond: We all do...

Merry and Pippin: Yep!!

Elrond: So the group pressed on hoping to fly with great haste. After a long while we found ourselves near the cave where Gollum spent most of his life, hiding away from the world when he had possessed the one ring. Our eyes were clouded to what fate had in store for us next, for as we walked the scattered rockside sure enough the creature was watching, and waiting for the right chance to strike...


	4. Part 4

**Part 4 - The Battle on Misty Mountain**

(Pippin starts to sing)

Pippin: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me...

Jack: We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot...

Pippin: Drink up me hearties yo ho!

Jack: I love this song!

Elizabeth: Well I made it up...

Merry: Well Pippin, you've finally found your singing partner and he's just as bad as you!

Jack: I am I really that bad? I don't think I am. Anyway, I luv you too Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: I can't breathe... (Faints)

Everyone: Elizabeth!!!

Merry: Hey, it's a jar of Mayonnaise!

Pippin: I like Mayonnaise! (Runs to it)

Merry: Wait for me Pippin! (Runs after Pippin)

(Gandalf reaches of them as if to stop them, but changes his mind)

(Both Merry and Pippin are now off stage)

Jack: I didn't know you middle age folk knew what mayonnaise was...

Legolas: Umm....

Elrond: Just then, screaming and gunfire are heard in the distance.

???: (laughing) I'm here for the treasure mates so give it up!

Jack: Oh, not you...

???: Captain Barbossa at your service...In a sense.

(Gandalf with a questioning look on his face)

Will: Aye Avast!

Jack & Barbossa: Dude people just don't say that any more!

Will: (Looks blankly at the two, then looking in a mirror) I hope I didn't mess up my hair with all the running I've been doing.

Jack: So Will, lad, what got you into hooking up with me rival?

Will: Who said I was with him? (Still looking in the mirror)

Elizabeth: That is what you call a narcissist.

Jack: Your awake!

Legolas: Uh...she was awake for some time now...

Jack: Oh...

Elrond: Everyone congregates and talk of what had happened so far...Barbossa decides to help Jack and his party out and Will comes to protect Miss Swann. Then a voice is heard echoing in the cave...

???: Yesss my preciouss you will be mine and it drawss near...

Elizabeth: That voice sounds oddly familiar.

Legolas: Gollum must be here...

Will: Who is this Gollum, is he more handsome than I?!?

Legolas: Nothing of the sort...

Jack: Oh shut up Will!

Barbossa: Ah, another ghost story is afoot?

Elizabeth: None so gruesome as yours...

Barbossa: Aw, well thank you lass...I'll take that as a complement!

(Gollum jumps out from his hiding place)

Gollum: We wantss it... we wantss it!, give it to usss!!

Will: Eww, it's so ugly...don't let that thing get near me, some of its ugliness might rub off on me...

Jack: So much for heroics.

Legolas: Ummm...now what?

Elizabeth: We outnumber it, we fight! (Draws Jack's sword again)

Jack: Those are my affects!

Barbossa: Shut yer trap and fight!

Gollum: (Jumps on to Jack's Back) Arrrrrghh! Aaaahhhh!!

Jack: Get this vile creature of me back! (Makes motions to try and get him off)

Elizabeth: (Tries to stab Gollum, but in the process stabs Jack instead)

Jack: ARRGHH!!!

Elizabeth: Sorry Jack, I can't get it when you're waving your arms around like that!

Jack: It's ok...as long as you, argh...as long as you...arr...As long as you call me CAPTAIN!!!

(Barbossa chucks a knife at Gollum's head, which nicks at it by an inch. Gollum falls off Jack and starts to crawl on the ground away from Barbossa.)

Gollum: Ahh! Have pity! Have pity! We just wants our preciousss. That's all we wantsess! (Crawls toward Legolas)

Legolas: (Kicks Gollum) Why did it have to come to me? Why do I have to bear it?

Gollum: (attempts to jump on top of Legolas but is thrown off) I'll gets youss, I'll be back for itss, I'll be back, my preciouss. Arrrrghaaahhh! (Gollum exits stage)

Jack: Nastly little devil! That won't be the last we see of him, next time I'll kill the thing myself...

(In the background Gandalf shakes his head and sighs)

Barbossa: Sure you will, if it doesn't get you first...heh,heh

Elizabeth: I'm sure you will Captain, I'm sure you will...

Will: Come on already, this dark, damp place is bad for my complexion.

Merry: (Comes running in) I... can't find Pippin!

Jack: Oh, great the little midgets are back...

Merry: No Jack! I can't find Pippin! And we're not midgets, we're hobbits!

Jack: What's the difference?

Merry: Oh, your hopeless...Legolas! Please help!

Legolas: What? Pippin's lost... in the caves...

Merry: Yes...(sob)

Legolas: It's ok Merry, maybe he'll show up later...

Merry: No he won't! He's gone for good! I... remember our last argument. I feel so horrible!

(Merry has a flash back)

Pippin: Now, now, Merry! Stop drinking it! Give some to me!

Merry: No, get your own!

Pippin: You're already tall enough! Give me the rest!

Merry: (Finishes off the water) Ah, too bad. It's all gone. (Burps and grows another inch.)

(Flash back ends)

Merry: I shouldn't have drunken all that water. Oh, Pippin I'm so sorry! (Gets lost in tears)

Elizabeth: It's ok, Merry. Stop crying. What does that argument have to do with Pippin becomin' lost anyway?

Merry: (stops crying) um...I don't know...

Jack: Ah, Just get over it. A real Pirate doesn't cry. Like they say: who ever falls behind, gets left behind!

(Merry cries harder)

Elizabeth: Oh Jack, stop it!

Will: Why am I being ignored?!? Let's go for goodness sake!

(Everyone starts to leave not acknowledging what Will had said.)

Will: Elizabeth!! You of all people! Hey, hey!!! (Run after the group)


	5. Part 5

**Part 5- Lost**

Elrond: The group becomes lost again, due to a torn piece off the map...

Elizabeth: Are you sure we're going the right way? I told you we should of made a right at the last tunnel...we're just going in circles!

Jack: Of course we're going the right way, just follow your nose...

Elizabeth: oh don't remind me of the smell of Mayonnaise, yuck, hate the stuff, but that's not gonna help us, the smell is all ova' the place...

Jack: I just know were headed in the right direction.

Elizabeth: Oh, really? You do know that we're supposed to be heading towards Mount doom in Mordor?

Jack: Ah...yes, isn't that it over there? (Points to Smog's Mt.)(Gandalf looks disappointed)

Merry: Ah no, aaa, I think that's actually the mountain where Smaug the dragon used to live. I heard about it from Bilbo, (whisper) you know, Frodo's uncle. If it were truly Mt. Doom it would be on fire.

(Everyone glare back at Jack for leading them the wrong way.)

Jack: Oh...Well, am I supposed to know everything?

Elizabeth: Here! Why don't you do some reading!?! (Hand him a stack of books titled "The Lord of the Rings")

Will: Well, maybe it's cause he's got a compass that doesn't point north.

(Everyone ignores Will)

Barbossa:Arrr... I bet he's got us lost from that ol' compass he has, the one that doesn't point north.

Elizabeth: Where does that compass point anyway?

Barbossa: I think Hobbington or the Shire? I don't know exactly...

Jack: Sooo, you've been doing some reading now have ye? Well I'll tell you all that I know my way around 'cause of this map here, so you can take this back love! (Gives her back the books) Sides it's my compass...

Merry: (Start's to search tunic for map) Hey! So that's where the missin' piece had gotten to...

Barbossa: Well, so where does it point to?

Jack: Galadriel's Forest.

Elizabeth: You're telling me that you've been leading us to an elven settlement! How thick are you? And you had it planned all along...

(They begin to argue with each other. Later while things begin to quiet down, Elizabeth slips away quietly. Then, a few minutes after, everyone realizes she is missing.)


	6. Part 6

**Part 6: Galadriel's Forest**

(Aragorn and Faramir are having a heated argument. Then Arwen enters the scene.)

Arwen: (offstage) Estel! Estel! Manke naa lle, Estel?

Arwen: Aragorn, Maninaalle umien? Manimarte?

Aragon: (suprised by her sudden appearance) Nothing. Why don't you go see how your father is doing?

Arwen: I'm not a child. I am a warrior, a princess. I'm not fragile. And I do not see why I cannot be included in this conversation...

Aragorn: Now is not the time for this, please go... I will talk to you later...

Faramir: Wait Aragorn...(Turns to Arwen) Whose side are you on anyway?

(Arwen smirks at him and slowly exits...The camera follows her into the palace. Then the camera is placed in Elrond's Room)

(A knock is heard at the door)

Servant elf: Sire, the lady awaits...

Elrond: Yes, bring her in...(whispers to self) Ok, know how did I get here again, last I remember I was filming, and traveling with the others... oh well (Clears throat)

(Elizabeth is brought in, her hands tied in front of her.)

Elrond: Who are you? Why have you come here, you are trespassing! These are sacred lands and are forbidden to any outsiders!

Elizabeth: My name is Elizabeth Swann... I did not mean to trespass sir, but we are lost...

Elrond: We? My Elves found no others...Aragorn, Faramir, are you familiar with Lady Swann here?

Aragorn & Faramir: No sir...

Elizabeth: Please, Aragorn... The others, they said you had left them behind.

Aragorn: Others? What others? (Aragorn thinks back and recalls....)You know of Legolas, Merry and Pippin?

Elizabeth: Yes that's them!

Aragorn: Elrond, please unbind her tie, she is telling the truth, she is part of the new fellowship.

(Elrond signals to servant who cuts her bindage)

Elizabeth: Yes, Aragorn. We need your help. We were lost- I went off to get water- I was kidnapped.

Faramir: What are you two talking about? I don't like you talking in code.

Aragorn: (Laughing) Clam down Faramir. We were talking about the one ring and those who travel with Legolas. (Turn back to Elizabeth) Tell me, where are they headed?

Elizabeth: I believe they are going to Galadriel's Forest...

Aragorn: Then we must make quick haste, and you must tell me more along the way... Judging by your apparel, I can tell you are not from around here...

Faramir: I am still so confused.(follows them)

Elrond: Aragorn and Elizabeth make there way to find the others...And I just magically appear where everyone else is, well, ok, here I go...


	7. Part 7

**Part 7- The Search**

(Everybody is spreadout searching)

Everyone: Elizabeth!!!!

Jack: Elizabeth, love. Come back! (Exits into forest on his own.)

Aragorn: Legolas! Where are you?!?

Legolas: Aragorn! Where have you been? Have you seen Elizabeth, she's a young woman about yay big, she has blonde hair, and is wearing a funny, poofy gown...

Aragorn: Is this her?...

Legolas: Elizabeth!

Aragorn: She was jumped by elven scouts, and has been through quite a lot on our journey here...

Elrond: Yes I'm back again...So, Elizabeth and Aragorn continue tell of their trip to where the others were when suddenly Gollum came out of nowhere and leaped onto Legolas once again, snarling and biting, and attempting to claw out poor Legolas' eyes. The whole company was taken by surprise when it occurred, and Aragorn jumped into action right when it began. Aragorn takes out his sword, swings it around and waits for the right moment to strike...

(Elizabeth faints, and Will runs to help her to her feet)

Barbossa: Here we go... Same conflict, new person...

Faramir: For Gonder!!! (Stab at Gollum) For Gonder!!!

Everyone: Shut up!!! Enough already!

Faramir: Fine... For the White City! (Stab)

Everyone: We give up...

Legolas: Get him off me!

Aragorn: Stop moving!

(Aragorn rushes in and takes the butt end of the sword and knocks Gollum out with it)

Legolas: (sigh) Too close...he almost bit my lucky ear...

Wll: Has anyboby been listening to me?

Everybody: What?!?

Will: Elizabeth has fainted again, what should we do, she's out cold...

Aragorn: Here...(Takes a knife and slices at the corset)

Aragorn: Well, being so high up in altitude can really take the wind out of you, and wearing such a tight dress would make the winded feeling even worse...

Will: I never would have thought of that...

Aragorn: Clearly you have never met Arwen, or ever been to Singapore.

Will: How would you know about Singapore?

Aragorn: Err...I've read some of Gandalf's books about the future... (Gandalf nods)

Legolas: Who wears those?

Aragorn: Obviously Elizabeth...

(Elizabeth is talking in her sleep- camera moves into dream...)

Elizabeth: You ruined my corset. Commodore, can we go shopping for my wedding clothes or will I go down the aisle bare-breasted and ankles all the way?!?

Commodore: Ankles all the way!!

(Dream fades, Elizabeth starts to awaken)

(Everyone is laughing)

Elizabeth: Where?... Ah? You really ruined it didn't you?

(Everyone laughs)

Aragorn: I'm sorry Elizabeth, but that really isn't the best thing to wear out here in the wilderness...Well, I believe my job is done here, I feel I must go back and attend to matters of my own accord.

Legolas: No, Aragorn please don't leave us, we need you... We still have to find Pippin...

Aragorn: I'm afraid I can't... Pippin will turn up eventually, I know he will, he always does... I'm leaving you in charge now Legolas, you have much to do know since you are the ring bearer as well, but I trust that you are in good hands...(Turns and leaves...)

Legolas: Nai tiro vantelar varyurantel i Valar tielyannanu vilya. Namaarie Aragorn.

Aragorn: A Legolas, le nebain.

(Jack enters just as Aragorn leaves...)

Jack: Elizabeth...there...you...fight...scream....

Will: I protected her from harm. (Looking at mirror again)

Jack: Her or your face?

Will: Heh!

Legolas: We need to move on, it seems like Gollum had slipped away while were busy chatting...

Elrond: Legolas now took lead of the New Fellowship. And the group walked on for a couple more days, but soon the group had become tired.

Elizabeth: I'm tired of walking (sits) Where's my carriage?

Jack: There's no carriage, luv.


	8. Part 8

**Part 8- Rohan, at last...**

Barbossa: Now where are we going Jack?

Jack: Don't ask me, I'm not the leader anymore remember...

Legolas: Your still navigator Jack... I haven't taken that from you...

Jack: Alright, now we are going to pass the king statues as we head into Rohan.

Barbossa: Really...

Jack: Really, really...

Elizabeth: Can we go now?

Jack: Yes...we can go.

Elrond: They then traveled down the river, on boats that had appeared out of nowhere, and waving goodbye to the forest elves that were never really there... They soon passed the King statues and landed ashore to set up camp.

Will: Finally, land! (Bends down and kisses the ground spits out sand.)

Merry: That one is even odder than you Jack...

Jack: Let's just leave it at that...(Goes to help set up...)

Legolas: How long do we plan to stay here? And...are you sure we can get to Rohan from here?

Barbossa: Yeah are you sure?

Jack: Positive, really positive. Did I ever give you a reason not to trust me? Anyway, I think we should stay here for tonight and then move on...

Merry: Who made you leader?!?

Jack: No one, he is. (points to Legolas) He just gave me a question, so I just gave him an answer...

Elrond: The night was cold and frosty, so they built a large fire, huddled together and slept under the stars. The next morning after the morning that took place yesterday, which was to be the today I was supposed to talk about tomorrow, Am I confusing you yet? The group had passed through Rohan and had their fill and are quickly moving on... So, like I was about to say, today our casts has started off once more and are headed towards Gondor, but along the way something unexpected happens...

Merry: What's with the sky Legolas? It was all sunny and now all the skies are grey, and I can hear thunder...

Legolas: Something evil is afoot... and the skies are angry....

Will: I hope my hair won't get ruined if it rains.

Barbossa: Just shut up you whelp!

Will: I'll let that slide, this once...

(Lightining starts to strike at the ground and trees around them)

(Everyone screams and in panic start to run in all directions)

Elrond: Then a bolt of lightining shot out from the sky and surronded them, blinding them and transporting them to...

Elizabeth: An island?!? What happened?

Legolas: The lighting, it must be the work of an evil wizard...

Merry: Now what?

Jack: I found the rum!!! It's still here! Drinks all around!

Barbossa: Ah! Brings back memories...I remember deserting Jack on this island....

Jack: R-U-M!! Rum for all!

Barbossa: Did he jus' say them words I thought he did?

(Merry nods his head)

Barbossa: I'm a man who knows what he wants, now hand some over here Jack!

Jack: Sorry old chum! Your the one who stucked me on this God forsaken spit of land and... you have the curse remember? Don't want ye to waste any...

Barbossa: I hate you. You know that right?

Jack: Of course, that's why you put me here and took my ship in the first place savvy?

Barbossa: No, not quite, I got rid of ya 'cause you kept sneaking' bottles of rum from the cellar when I wasn't lookin'... But I hate you any way.

Jack: Whatever...What ever happened to my ship?

Barbossa: What ship?

Jack: The Black Pearl!!! There's no other keeper for me, savvy?

Barbossa: Oh, that ship. It sank into the ocean...

Jack: What?!?

Barbossa: I told you, that old ship was going to a dive into Davey Jones' Locker eventually, and it so happened one fine day... had a lot of loot on it too! It wasn't my fault though.

Jack: Really, then whose was it then? You were in charge, why didn't you do something?!

Barbossa: I tried, really...

Jack: Who sunk MY SHIP?!!!!!

Barbossa: That would be Commodore Norrington. That bloody bastard sank my ship.

Jack: Your ship?!? It was mine until you stole it from me. Mine, mine, mine!

Barbossa: What were we talking about again? Really I think it slipped my mind.

Jack: You have to be kidding me... You forgot already.

Legolas: Would you two mind!?

Elizabeth: We have to find a way to get them back to Middle Earth, and keep us in our own time period...

Jack: We are in our own time period!

Elrond: Soon everyone was in deep thought...Well except for Will, who was fixing his hair at the time. But, none could think of anything. The morning was coming and all were asleep, except for Miss Elizabeth Swann.

**Next morning**

Jack: What's that smoke? Where's the rum? THE RUM IS GONE!!!

Barbossa: What? What's gone? The rum? No, who did it!?!

Jack: I'll give you one guess.

Barbosa: The hobbit did it!

Merry: I did what?!? What is rum anyway?

Jack: Not him! Elizabeth Swann!!!

Barbossa: That was my second guess.

Jack: Why did you burn all the RUM?!? Why is all the RUM GONE?

Elizabeth: I already told you that remember?

Jack: thinking Oh yeah... I remember now.

Legolas: Who cares what happened to the rum. Let's get off this island now!

Jack: Ok! Does anyone have any ideas? Any at all?

Silence

Jack: Anyone? (No one says anything) This is going to be a long day.

Elrond: All seemed lost until...


	9. Part 9

**Part 9 Back to Middle Earth**

Elrond: Large white sails appeared out of the horizon. It turned out to be a large Navy ship and took them back to Port Royal.

Commodore: Welcome aboard the Dauntless.

Jack: Oh, it's you! Not you again...

Commodore: Oh you, the pirate. (Very dry)

Barbossa: He has a name you know....

Elizabeth: It's good to see you Mr. Norrington...

Commodore: Oh, Elizabeth! I'm glad you're safe! Come aboard my bride to be, your father awaits...

(Everybody boards the ship. Will is lookin at himself in the mirror, Elizabeth, Legolas and Commodore talk about plans, Merry is swabbing the deck, Jack and Barbossa are nowhere to be seen)

(Jack appears out of nowhere on the deck...)

Jack: Everybody stay calm, we're taking over the ship...this time we're getting it right!

Barbossa: Aye avast!

Jack: You've ruined it!

Barbossa: Oh, sorry I forgot!

Jack: You always forget...It must be that short-term memory loss problem you had in 1732...

Elrond: Jack and Barbossa kick the crew off the ship, they kidnap the Commodore, and lock him in the brig....

Jack: Well, we now have a ship, where do we sail?

Elizabeth: Back to Middle Earth!

Jack: Where's that?!

Elizabeth: Where's that, what kind of question was that?!?

(The clouds darken again and thunder and lighting streak the sky)

Elrond: The ship starts to rock back and forth, the waves are crashing against the ship.... and as soon as the storm settles, they find themselves on the shores of Mordor...

Jack: We're back to Middle Earth. Hey, whad' do ya know we're in Mordor...we didn't have to travel that far!

Merry: What happened to the eye?

Barbossa: What eye?

Jack: The one that watches the entire area of Mordor you idiot!

Barbossa: Oh that one, I knew that! Hey I'm not an idiot!

Jack: You started the argument, I'm gonna end it!

Barbossa: I started the argument?!? I just asked a question...and what do you mean your going to end it?

Jack: Simple! I'm going to end it! Right now!! Do we have an accord?...

Barbossa: Agreed, we fight to the death....

Elrond: Everyone, fed up with the fighting, leave the scene...and travel up the side of Mordor to destroy the one ring of power, power, power, power...Ok you get the point...So as that is going on, Jack and Barbossa is attempting to fight to the death...

Jack: Let's begin...(Draws sword)

Barbossa: Aye! (Draws out sword)

(They begin to the fight...The suddenly a giant chest falls from the sky and lands between them...)

Babossa: What's that?

Jack: It's the Aztec gold! You still have the gold medallion don't ye?

Barbossa: What gold medallion?

Jack: Oh boy, here we go again...

Barbossa: No really what gold medallion?

Jack: The one that gave you the curse you idiot!

Barbossa: Once again I must tell you I'm not an idiot!

Jack: Just fight already...

(Fight...)

(Will appears out of nowhere still admiring himself in his mirror...)

Jack: Will, wad you be doin' here lad? Don't just stand there, lift the curse!

Will: (Still starring at himself in the mirror...) I was looking for Elizabeth...

Jack: She left already...she went to destroy the ring.

Will: Oh, ok then.. Good-bye!!

Jack: No you idiot come back here, I need you to help me destroy Barbossa!

Will: Oh, you need this? (Holds up the medallion)

Jack: Yes, yes, now hurry lad, and throw it in the chest!

(Will cuts his hand and attempts to throw the coin into the chest but it bounces off the rim...)

Jack: You buffoon!!!! Pick it up Will, pick it up!

(Will still starring at himself blindly searches for the medallion...)

Jack: Ohh, here let me help you... (Throws a dagger at the mirror in Will's hand)

(Mirror shatters)

Will: NOOO!!!!! It was a gift! From Elizabeth!

Jack: Oh no wonder he was always using it, but that doesn't matter now...Will, throw it in already!!!

(Will is still looking for it....)

Will: I found it!

Jack: Throw it in!!!!!!

Will: K! (Drops it in the chest)

(Barbossa takes a slice at Jack)

(Jack tries to shoot Barbossa)

Barbossa: You've carried that pistol for ten years, and now you've waste you're shot...

Will: He didn't waste it...

Barbossa: He, he.. I have a bulletproof vest... (Flashback of Gandalf giving him a vest)

Jack: Let me guess who gave it to you...Gandlaf The buffoon of a White...

Barbossa: Yep! Want to try your luck again? Too bad you don't have another bullet, to make your mark!

Jack: So that's how it is... Let's try this again (Takes a spare pistol out, and aims at Barbossa's head.)

Barbossa: That's not fair, who gave you that?

Jack: Gandalf...(Fires the pistol)(Gandalf giving him the pistol)

(Barbossa falls to the ground)

Barbossa: Curse you Jack Sparrow...

Jack: It's Captain Jack Sparrow!!! (Shoots again) Well look at that he even gave me an extra shot... That's the only thing I like about him...

Elrond: Will and Jack traveled back up to Mt. Doom to join the others to destroy the ring. Will runs on board again to mourn the loss of his mirror.


	10. Part 10

**Part 10- Destroying the Ring**

Everyone is outside the entrance of Mt. Doom

(Saruman is in the entrance blocking the way.

Saruman: Bonjour, Je suis Saruman!

All: (blank look)

Legolas: What did he just say?

Merry: Did he say his name was Sarurumon?

Jack: No, I think he said his name was Saroooomaun....

Elizabeth: No I think its Saruman...

Jack: Oh...

Jack: Move out of the way you road block!

(Saruman looks blankly at Jack.)

Saruman: Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?

Merry: I need to go to the bathroom...(Tugs on Jack's sash...)

Jack: What?!?

Merry: I have to go! Ask him where the bathroom is...

Jack: Hold on for a moment let me try...(Turn to Saruman)

W-h-e-r-e i-s t-h-e b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m???

Saruman: (Blink,blink)

Elizabeth: Donde es el bano cuarto?

Saruman: Quoi?

Elizabeth: Ok, so it's not Spanish...

Legolas: Try something else...umm...ce suo zai na li? (Where is the bathroom?)

Ok, that didn't work....

Jack: Doku deska toleto...

(Merry starts to dance around) I have to go to the toilet.

(Ping! a lightbub shines over Saruman's head)

Saruman: Ah! Vous voulez aller aux toilettes? (Points to a patch of tumbleweed) La bas.

Merry: What there?!?

Saruman: Oui.

Jack: Will you let us pass?

(Saruman shakes his head)

Jack: Please, will you let us pass?

(Again Saruman shakes his head.)

Saruman: en personne peut entre.

Legolas: What did he just say?

Jack: Beats me.

Pippin: Where the heck am I?

Merry: Pippin! You're back! We've been so worried.

Pippin: Look I have a jar of Mayonnaise.

Merry: Let me have some.

Pippin: Ok... (Hands over the half empty jar)

Merry: Hey! There's not that much left.

Pippin: I got hungry waiting for you guys to find me.

Merry: Then I'll just have the rest.

Pippin: No fair. You got to drink the rest of the tree water, so I have dibs on it.

Saruman: De quoi parlez-vous?

Pippin: Huh? Dude who are you?

Saruman: Je suis Saruman.

Legolas: I want to get rid of this ring right now.!.

Pippin: I'm so confused! (runs around in circles with the jar still in his hands)

Elizabeth: We're missing the point. We need to get to the center to destroy the ring.

(Pippin throws his hands up in confusion and the jar of Mayonnaise goes flying and hits Saruman in the head.)

Saruman: (grabs Elizabeth and starts threatening them) vous allez mourir avant matin.

(Elizabeth starts trembling)

Legolas: Let her go Saruman.

Merry: Legolas, he's scary. (Pippin totally silent)

Jack: I'm hungry. (Picks up the jar of mayonnaise and tastes it)

Pippin: Hey, that's my Mayonnaise!

Merry: Keep eating that junk and you'll get even fatter.

(Jack, Merry, and Pippin start brawling it out. Legolas is filing his nails. Saruman is discussing nail tips with Legolas who has no idea what he is saying. Elizabeth is hyperventilating because she is terrified and she can't breath. Elizabeth faints. Everyone looks at her after she faints.)

Jack: Oh. She fainted AGAIN...

Pippin: Elizabeth! Elizabeth! Wake up! (Runs around in circles saying..)

Does anyone know CPR?

Merry: EW!

(Saruman drags Elizabeth into a hidden room to try and revive her with a glass of water)

Saruman: (When she wakes up, she will die)

Elizabeth: Where am I? What am I doing here?

Saruman: alors, mangez quelque chocolat.

Elizabeth: Whatever. I am hungry.

Saruman: Ha ha ha. Now you will DIE!!! (Takes out his staff)

Elizabeth: You speak English?

Will: Not if I can help it. (Hits Saruman on the head)

Pippin: So he does speak English.

Jack: Oh, whatever.

Legolas: (walks up to Saruman and says..) I couldn't help but notice your nails, could you give me some tips when we get back.

Elrond: They continue up the mountain until Legolas stumbles upon a small white bunny.

Legolas: Ow!

Jack: What is that thing?

Merry: Hey, maybe it's hungry.

Legolas: Maybe he'll eat the ring. Try it Jack.

Will: The bunny has better hair than me. (Goes and sulks behind a boulder)

Jack: (beckoning to the bunny) Here bunny, bunny, bunny. Want a nice treat? Come here you filthy, mangy dog! (Gives bunny the ring and the bunny lunges at his fingers hoping to get some blood. He shrieks like a girl and jumps back)

Elrond: The bunny swallowed the ring and hopped off.

Jack: Get that bunny!

Legolas: What can we do? It is already going out of Mt. Doom.

Pippin: We must use the Holy Stink Bomb!!

Jack: The holy what?!?

Pippin: It says one must count to three no more, no less. For three is the number one must count. One must count to three. For two is too little. Four is by far too much. So, one must count to three.

Everyone: We get it!!

Jack: Ok here goes. 1, 2, 4...

Legolas: No, 3!

Giant BOMB!!!

Jack: 3.

Merry: That is gross! Picks up the bunny and puts it into a bag, all the while pitching his nose

(Strange sounds from behind them all)

Pippin: Hey, is that Gollum?!?

Jack: I have an idea. (Gives the bunny to Gollum then he eats it and finds the ring, jumping up and down in victory. Then shoved into Mount Doom)

Legolas: That worked. Ok, let's leave now.

Gandalf: Its over!!! It is finally over!!! Yay!!!

Everyone: HE TALKED!!!

Gandalf: Of course I can talk! I just didn't feel like talking before.

Jack: I heard we're having a party in Merry's house. Let's go!!!

Merry: Who told you that?

Jack: Pippin...

Merry: Pippin! How could you!?!

Pippin: Sorry... But it would be nice to have a big dinner won't it?

Elrond: It was finally all over. We all felt a lot better now knowing that the ring would never come back. Now we can all go home.

Will: Where's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Right here, Will.

Will: (sighs) Oh, as long as my face is OK.

(Saruman goes up to Will and messes up his hair)

Will: Hey (crying) my hair. My beautiful hair. (Adlibbing the rest)

Jack: Pull yourself together man.

Elrond: And we were all merry.

Merry: Me? They were me?

Jack: (throws pistol at Merry's head, from off stage) Hurry up you fat hobbit. Let's go.


	11. Part 11 and Credits

**Part 11- Back in the Shire**

Elrond: After all the chaos we were all invited to Merry's house at the Shire. We all got horses and rode back to Gonder. Aragorn had kingly things to do so he didn't come and neither did Arwen. Evenstar's farewell words stayed with us forever. "Onen i- Estel, u-chebin estel anim. Aallasseren lle coia orn nomenta gurtha. " (Means "I give you hope, I have kept no hope for myself") Faramir soon after came with us, too. Yelling "For Gonder!" everytime he fought something or someone. After that we all went back to the Shire.

Faramir: (In the background) For Gonder!!!

Everyone: Shut up!!! It's annoying!!!

Faramir: For the White City!!!

Everyone: Forget it...

In the Shire.

Jack: Parties, I love parties!!! Drinks all around!!!

Faramir: So this is the Shire. Never been this far from Gonder before.

Pippin: Really you have never been this far before?

Faramir: Yep! That's right. It really is kind of sad isn't?

Everyone: Sadly... yes!!!

Merry: Did my house just shrink?!?

Pippin: Remember, you drank the entire potion that made you grow taller?

Merry: Oh yeah, I remember that now.

Faramir: This is a great party, Merry! Thanks for letting me come.

Merry: No problem Faramir...

Jack: Ow! (Hits head on roof) That hurt! Let's see how can I fix this? (Thinks for a moment) Oh, I know...

(Blows off the roof and a chandler comes falling down and hits Elizabeth)

Will: Elizabeth!! Everyone, look, she is out like a light.

Everyone: Oh well...

Elrond: In the end everyone had a grand time and soon it was all over. Jack, Will, and Elizabeth soon went back into their own time and world. Soon I, too, went home and sailed away into the west with Gandalf and Bilbo. Everyone lived happily ever after. The end...

Will: (wanders in....) Is it the end yet?

Everyone: YES!!!!!!!

**Credits: A Diary of a Pirate**

Captured on film by: Commodore Norrington

Made by: Barbossa and Captain Jack Sparrow

**Talk to all cast members one by one, walk around where ever we are filming this, mess around with people, have ramen for lunch and poke Barbossa in the eye and then hit the monkey hard on the head and it falls of his shoulder (monkey in a coma), and in the end talk about reincarnation, finally Barbossa wants to turn into a green apple and he does, Jack then laughs and cuts Barbossa in half and then eats him, finds a worm (Gumi, sugar worm) eats it.**

**Commodore: (At the end of diary of a pirate) The end, end, end, end, end, end, end, end...**

**Everyone else: Get on with it!!!**

**Commodore: Fine! The end!!**

**Barbossa: No!!!**

**Screen goes black with the words THE END**


End file.
